He disabled his match.com account in front of me
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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