apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
