had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
