never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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