my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
