I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
