My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
