he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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