You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
A bitchslap is in order.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
