just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
