I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
