I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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