It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
