I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
