i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
this hospital has no fireball
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
