the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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