I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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