I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
