okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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