And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
