Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I want a musical about memes.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
