how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
