What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
