Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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