Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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