I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
