Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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