since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
