1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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