He had one of those small greek statue penises
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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