One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
