Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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