my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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