So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
