it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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