so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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