there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
