Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
