Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
