Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
