I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
