Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
