i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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