She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
