I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
