i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
