the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
