i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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