Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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