she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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