I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
