So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
