When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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