new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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